Just a Little

I can stand here all day long, listen to the none stop praise but it doesn't mean that it's all true. Through the dark days, I listen to myself, I'm not confused when I am having problems in my life.

If I can give up one thing in life, I would say nothing. Why give up something that isn't mine to give in the first place.

Just like the leaves outside change colors and are never in the same place, it's my life in a nutshell.

Can it still be that simple? Can it be hard to live without actual love? Do we need love to live? Maybe we do or maybe we don't, but are you willing to take that risk of happiness?

Maybe just a little at a time things will make sense, become clearer. Only time will tell.

Today

"Why is that life seems so unfair and yet so fair at the same time? I keep asking myself many times why this world is so cruel, but never seem to get a straight answer."

That was then, this is now.

----> Now today I sit outside, looking at the trees blow, the leaves fall and the climate changes. Sometimes I can tell by the day on how the leaves rattle. When the sun sets, the world becomes calmer. Not fully of course, but it settles with a grace of beauty. I never saw the world like I do now. Never did I picture it so beautiful after all the horror I've tasted from this never ending cycle of hatred by those who don't have a reason to live.

Today you would ask me if I was ready to die, would I be... simple answer. YES!
Yes, that's right I would answer you YES. Why? Because I know where I stand, don't need to be afraid of anything. Do I want to go and leave this world, at one point I would of said yes to you. Now I say HELL NO! There is too many things to see and there are reasons now for me to live.

So today I say:
"Hello world, how have you been? I'm ready to tackle the ups & downs you throw at me. Be patient with me, I'll give you a grand ole time."

David Boreanaz

I Just Know....

Faith is always tested each and everyday. There is no greater test in the world than your faith. Mine has been tested many times and I've fallen each and every time. Standing on your own two feet and balancing out your life well, it's not exactly easy. Things come into your life and it screws with you, makes you think you're hopeless and that the world it out to get you. It sounds sort of foolish doesn't it? Well I can tell you it's not. When the sun shines and the dark fades, it always means new beginnings. But not always do you feel that way, not always will it look all beautiful and sweet.

The grass is green, leaves are yellow, fall begins and so does your world. Each season brings something new to the world. It may be something sweet, beautiful, kind, exciting, new, gracious.. but then another season can come in and take all that beauty and turn it into a harsh, cruel world. Just like faith, it's a season, but the only difference is you have control over what you feel and how you act towards the feelings you carry. I know deep inside my faith isn't so strong, but doesn't mean I'll give up. Like Jesus, he walked this world with pain, guilt and so much more because of those around him who sinned. He carried a burden and so do we.

We carry someone's happiness on our shoulders and that is a burden no matter what we think or how we feel. I know that no matter what, I'll be standing in the end, holding my head up high. Right now, I can't for see it, but I can feel it. Don't ask me how, I just know. So until then, I'll make mistakes, I'll hurt people, I'll cry, I'll bleed, I'll yell and scream up a storm... But I'll never let go of my passion. I'll never give up on myself regardless how dark my world is, I'll stand high and strong. I just know I'll be okay.

Open door

The door is at the very top of the steps. Nothing can defeat the purpose of walking through the door. Light shines through the broken door. All around is darkness, nothing living or breathing, only the soul that stands at the bottom looking up is alive.

Why can't she walk through the door, the door that is broken but yet is her only way out? Nothing is stopping her now, not one thing is stopping her. She keeps hoping for the same damn thing... she never strays to far from the sidewalk, she knows that if she were to let her guard down... she'd be doomed. Afraid is what she is, afraid of it all. The world is big and she is small, she's not sure if the world is ready for her.

Tick, tick, tick are the sounds she can hear now. Everything around her is starting to feel familiar once again. She knows where she's heading too if she doesn't get out now. Slowly that door is starting to look more frightening than inviting. She was so young, you should of have known than to lean on her. Now she cries in the middle of the night. Never again will she know what it feels like to live unless she walks through that door. The broken door that carries her soul.

Light is shining through the broken door. Nothing is in the way... her soul is running from her. Leaving her empty... broken door is allowing the light, but not a moment from her, not one movement. It's hard to trust herself not including everyone around her. She's lost her way and has been lost for sometime now. She's fighting to keep from breaking, her heart her is shattered. She finds it hard to believe in anything. This open door, can it be her way out? Looks inviting she keeps thinking, she's not stupid. Can she walk through the door, can she? The open door is waiting for her...

Time to Fight Back

This is all bull, no one can see what's behind closed doors. Come on, why mess with us? It's not like you'll benefit from this. You did a big mistake by going to someone who thinks they can help you with your screwed up life. Sorry to say this "You're one dumb idiot."

Go ahead and lie all you want, but we won't let you win. We're going to fight till the end!!

Nothing is ever easy.

There is nothing left to try, there is no place left to hide. No matter how far we are from something, we'll always be found. It was a lesson I had to learn, I was the fortress you went through to learn. I yearned to say goodbye but nothing ever worked. Now today I stand on this mountain, looking far beyond the years of my own. The power of the wind gives me the strength to fly. There is no more heart to bruise, nothing left for you to rip apart. Green pastures, birds flying above, sun shinning bright down on me. Freedom comes to when you learn to let go, but it's never easy. I pray to God it won't be long until I can go higher. There is nothing left to try, nothing left to burn... Nothing is ever easy...

Waiting.....

Take a look at me, do you see what's wrong? Can you see my hands tremble? I've been messed up for so long, it's like I've become untouchable. I am slow dieing, frost killing, sweet solace. I can't seem to find my ground, can't to find myself. The tunnel is getting darker and yet I can still your face. You're the love of my life, I am looking for a way to find you. Maybe if the darkness, the sweetness, the sadness, the lullaby will save me and help me find my road that leads back to you.
Hopefully now since I'm cleaning all the mess I've done, you will be able to look at me the same as you have for so many years.
Waiting is such sweet sorrow, but when it's morrow once again, it might just be wonderful.

Everything Changes

Normally I don't write about other people, but I truly and honestly have to voice something. These two have become a big influence in my life in so many ways, and not to give them support would be like not offending someone who's part of my life. So below these photos of Jaime & David Boreanaz is how I feel and how I view all this. It's a POV of mine that might actually voice David in a way. Of course I am not David but I'll give it a shot.




Sometimes we fall and when we fall sadly we don't land on our feet. Usually we land on our butts. I think that love has a passion to it, maybe we all won't understand it but the ones who do, they're the lucky ones.


Everything changes, if I could turn back the years, I know I'd take back everything and make it right. You're my life, my world. I know I've messed up but deep inside I want to make it right, how I will do that, not sure how. Don't worry I will make amends, give you the world you deserve. Just give me a little time to make my way through the darkness. Seems like forever, but I will make sure that we will have it all. Everything I may say might seem stupid, it may change how you feel, but I am the mess you chose. So please don't give up on US!

I just thought I write it out because I am sitting here thinking and hoping that it all works out for the both of them!

Photography.

So lately I have been doing a lot of thinking. Yes THINKING!! Ain't that a surprise, no not really. So anyways, I have been doing a lot of thinking and I have finally find my muse again! Been a long time coming, but now I am back. Wondering how long I will have my muse, but as long as it is here, I'll play with it and take my opportunity to find my inner self.

It will be Okay

I don't know what to say, it's always been up to you, this time it's up to me. Give me a little time, leave me alone for a little bit and maybe it won't be too late. I find myself in this world of lonely roads, I don't know how I will feel tomorrow, but today I don't what to say but I know it will be okay. No no I am not ready, it maybe tomorrow, but I do know that it will be okay. I know it will be fine, just give it time. Maybe tomorrow, maybe today, but whatever day it is..... It will be Okay!

Raveling.

As we end another day, the lights dim and the sun stops burning. Moon soon is rising, bringing bright white light that howls in the night while the children are all tucked into bed. The wind howls oh so very lightly, the animals are sleeping soundly and the creeps start to crawl out. Streets feeling the evil striking as the blood dashes from all the murders taking place. Evil sneers in the face of good, while the good walks on hallow grounds. Demons start rising out of the crypts of the earth, their sleeping ground until the dark is ready for them to come out. Doors of the old souls begin opening, the blood stains on the street are beginning to smell of copper. Between Heaven and Hell, the agony is rising. Rising and rising.........it's Raveling.

I see you, I know you.

You know what is so funny, I've become so aware of what you do. I know your every move, I know when you will fall. Just like a cat, I sneak into the room to see you, high and above the ground... or so you think. Never really think that someone can pin point your every move, don't think I can't figure out yours. I live in a world that is beyond reality, I am the reality. Nasty, vile, cruel, sicking, devilish, killer, murderer. I steal something from you every day, the world you live will soon be mine. I'll be your dealer, the one who will deal every card and call every move you do. Being controlling is more a pleasure then watching it all fall. Tears and blood shed will what I'll be waiting for, all the cries for help. It's my pleasure to take it from you and play with you like a toy in a toy wooden box. If you think I am kidding, wait till I come for you. Hands are ready for the touch, bag is redone. Glass jar, ready for the blood. I can't control what I am about to do. We all believe there is good in all of us, but they're so wrong. There is good but not in all people, if you think I have good in me. You're insane for thinking it, I am the one and only worst enemy you will have for the rest of your life. I live for pain, live for your misery. I see you, I know you! I will come for you, just give me time. Just GIVE ME TIME!

Darker Side of Me

Sick and tired of all the bullshit! Don't want to hear your none sense. It sickens me to hear your voice. The hell you think you're in is pain, you haven't even began to know what pain is. Your misery is my fun, to see you suffer, I laugh I can't control myself. I've become an animal, hunting every single pain you gain. I want to taste the blood that sweats off your face. I want you to really know what it is to feel pain, to truly know what hell is. You laughed about me before, but now it's me who's laughing at you. You always pegged me to be sweet & innocent, oh you're terribly mistaken. You haven't seen anything yet. Just wait, I'm watching, waiting. I'm still caged inside, but I'm just waiting. For you to see the Darker Side of ME!!