The Feeling

It's been a long while since I've had the urge to blog, but lately I've been feeling overwhelmed by all the goodness that's been happening in my life, I started feeling the tug slowly creeping up. I've been fighting this feeling for sometime now, but I am trying to let go of the past. My goal was to move past all this hurt, pain, and tears, but it seems that I can't. Sometimes I wish I couldn't feel so that way I can simply walk without feeling any sort of pain. Why is that once I'm in a good place, the pain comes back like a wind slapping me in the face with it's cold, brittle feeling...Oh I wish I wasn't reminded. Grasping reality, I know it's far from over and this pain I'm feeling and the feeling of the loss of losing the one person I'm slowly becoming isn't around. My backbone, she's gone. It's all bitter sweet, this, all of it.

Xmas holiday, why oh why?! I hope she doesn't forget me while in heaven. It hurts so much, I feel like punching the walls till my knuckles don't have feeling in them anymore. This whole year I was doing great, but as soon as the holidays come around, I feel the loss. Please Grammy, make me not miss you so much. God, please mend my breaking soul. It's all I ask!

The Voice

Our voice is our one and only voice. Not all the time do we get heard by the ones we want so badly to hear us. We can do only do what we can and just hope they hear us somewhere and somehow. Crazy isn't it when your eyes are opened wide, but you can't seem to see anything but the world outside. Somewhere in the stratosphere we belong...sometimes please don't cry one tear for me. I'm not afraid of what I have to say...so listen up, this is for only today.

I just saw my world flash through my eyes and I finally see. Please understand this is my life and I hope you understand. I'm not angry, but I'm just saying. Here is my chance, my second chance to make it right..for me.

There is a piece of a puzzle called life and I know my heart is aching for life to awake it again. Slowly I feel that I'm falling down once again. The ashes of another life is creeping up on me and I want to run. Everyone is pointing at me, they're damning me and no one knows what I believe. This keeps happening as the planet is closing in on me. There is no real reason to accept anything, but life is taking over and I need it to take over me. My voice is starting to fade, starting to fade as I type this out.
Come back...

Just another Day?

As I sit here listening to the sounds of the cars on the freeway, I keep wondering how can you see through me like an open door? Have I become so numb that my soul is gone, my spirit sleeping? Wake me UP! I can't wake up... I can't wake up! Help... Why? Save me from the nothing I've become. Now that I know what I am doing, my breathe is no longer strained. Wake me up, I can't wake up. Call my name, please, call my name. She knew, all this time! Leading me down this road that was nothing but a lie, she covered it with roses and beautiful scent of daisies. Broken, torn, battered, and helpless, I fell.
In the dark, the shadows I see now. You were there from the beginning, bringing me to life. But I am so tired, my fears seem to be catching up, but I want to leave. I wish I could leave, but this presence that lingers won't leave me alone. My wounds keep bleeding out, the pain is so real. Time has stopped and I cry, I scream, fighting those fears I carry. No one is holding my hand, not like she use too. The light that use to capture me is now fading. I am bound by the life you left, your face chases me while I find my ground. Too much has gone by and yet you are still in every part of my body.
I fight and fight, I held your memory for so long, why can't I let go? You have all of me, I have tried telling myself you're gone and yet you're still with me. I want to go home. I thought I had found home, but it turns out I am still in the same place I have been for years. I can't tell you why I feel this way. I just feel this everyday, all I do is keep it on the down low. Where do I belong? I want to go home! I want to find myself again, broken inside I stumble. No place to go. Finding the reasons to live, take the next breathe of air, I am scared. This sacred heart is falling into shreds. Feelings, losing my mind, I can't find my place and I am falling! Nothing to hold onto. Please, why... help... Just another day?

-Voice of the unheard girl

Just a Little

I can stand here all day long, listen to the none stop praise but it doesn't mean that it's all true. Through the dark days, I listen to myself, I'm not confused when I am having problems in my life.

If I can give up one thing in life, I would say nothing. Why give up something that isn't mine to give in the first place.

Just like the leaves outside change colors and are never in the same place, it's my life in a nutshell.

Can it still be that simple? Can it be hard to live without actual love? Do we need love to live? Maybe we do or maybe we don't, but are you willing to take that risk of happiness?

Maybe just a little at a time things will make sense, become clearer. Only time will tell.

Today

"Why is that life seems so unfair and yet so fair at the same time? I keep asking myself many times why this world is so cruel, but never seem to get a straight answer."

That was then, this is now.

----> Now today I sit outside, looking at the trees blow, the leaves fall and the climate changes. Sometimes I can tell by the day on how the leaves rattle. When the sun sets, the world becomes calmer. Not fully of course, but it settles with a grace of beauty. I never saw the world like I do now. Never did I picture it so beautiful after all the horror I've tasted from this never ending cycle of hatred by those who don't have a reason to live.

Today you would ask me if I was ready to die, would I be... simple answer. YES!
Yes, that's right I would answer you YES. Why? Because I know where I stand, don't need to be afraid of anything. Do I want to go and leave this world, at one point I would of said yes to you. Now I say HELL NO! There is too many things to see and there are reasons now for me to live.

So today I say:
"Hello world, how have you been? I'm ready to tackle the ups & downs you throw at me. Be patient with me, I'll give you a grand ole time."

David Boreanaz

I Just Know....

Faith is always tested each and everyday. There is no greater test in the world than your faith. Mine has been tested many times and I've fallen each and every time. Standing on your own two feet and balancing out your life well, it's not exactly easy. Things come into your life and it screws with you, makes you think you're hopeless and that the world it out to get you. It sounds sort of foolish doesn't it? Well I can tell you it's not. When the sun shines and the dark fades, it always means new beginnings. But not always do you feel that way, not always will it look all beautiful and sweet.

The grass is green, leaves are yellow, fall begins and so does your world. Each season brings something new to the world. It may be something sweet, beautiful, kind, exciting, new, gracious.. but then another season can come in and take all that beauty and turn it into a harsh, cruel world. Just like faith, it's a season, but the only difference is you have control over what you feel and how you act towards the feelings you carry. I know deep inside my faith isn't so strong, but doesn't mean I'll give up. Like Jesus, he walked this world with pain, guilt and so much more because of those around him who sinned. He carried a burden and so do we.

We carry someone's happiness on our shoulders and that is a burden no matter what we think or how we feel. I know that no matter what, I'll be standing in the end, holding my head up high. Right now, I can't for see it, but I can feel it. Don't ask me how, I just know. So until then, I'll make mistakes, I'll hurt people, I'll cry, I'll bleed, I'll yell and scream up a storm... But I'll never let go of my passion. I'll never give up on myself regardless how dark my world is, I'll stand high and strong. I just know I'll be okay.